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I've come to realize tonight that a clinical lab is no place for a pregnant lady. It stinks in here. I can smell algae in our water cooler. I have drank out of that water cooler for over a year and never smelled anything like what I'm smelling right now. We receive nasty things from nasty body parts. I dumped out an old bucket of urines tonight and almost lost my dinner. The smell is really what is getting me though. I've always had a crazy sense of smell but right now it's bordering on canine ability. I feel like I can smell layers and years of stench and filth in this place. God, it's going to be a hard 1st trimester for this lab techy.
Well I guess what I was feeling wasn't just in my head. Yesterday I told T that if I'm not pregnant than I have freaking mono or something. Turns out it wasn't mono just a little alien taking over my body, and making me sleep 12 hours at a time! Last night I kept dreaming about peeing on the stick and it flashing the word pregnant. I swear I peed on that stick all night in my sleep and when I woke up in the morning to see that actual word I was shocked! I cannot believe we got it on our first try. I feel so humble and grateful. I know many woman struggle for so long, I read your stories. It's your stories that made me not take being young and healthy for granted and to not assume that automatically equals fertility. Months ago I talked to my naturopath about increasing my fertility odds and have been taking herbal pregancy support. I also replaced coffee with green tea. I'm not saying these things are a direct link to our positive but I think it sure didn't hurt! Now, I'm resisting the urge to test my beta levels at work. I don't want to tell any of my co-workers yet and I'm too much of a wuss to draw my own blood, so I guess that pretty much rules out free hcg testing for me. We are only telling close family and friends right now. My mom was the first person I told. She was driving home from work and had to pull over the car because she was crying. It was so awesome. She is so excited and we are so lucky to be so loved and supported. T also told her mom and got a very similar response. She asked to speak to "baby mama" but I had already left for work. She was not pleased and said that I'm just going to need to retire because we've got nurseries to paint and garages to convert into apartments. She's already moving herself in! T was really happy to get such a warm response.
I've resisted writing about any "symptoms" I may or may not be having right. We are 8 days past ovulation and time is going really slow! I just want to know already. I'm sorry for woman that have many TWW under their belts, it's really excruciating. This loop keeps playing in my head "Am I?" "Am I not?", it's getting kinda old. No one likes that continuous song that just won't get out of your head.
I start 7 on 7 off this Thursday and right now I'm in a 5 day off stretch. It's lovely. I am really enjoying myself. :) However, our weekend was kinda lame. We went to our donor's parents house on Saturday with the dog and discovered that we just can't stay the night over there. Pickle was too uncomfortable, we were miserable dealing with him and we were all crammed into a tiny bed with covers that kept falling off, the biggest pillows I've ever seen and a disco tech of lights in our room everytime a car drove by. I can not imagine re-playing that night with a baby! So, it may be disappointing for them but it just doesn't work for us to stay there. I am feeling very mother bear about this possible zygote I am carrying. We need to do what is best for our family and I'm really not concerned if other people have their feelings hurt or their expectations aren't met in the process. This is really huge for me, I usually care very much about other peoples feelings and feel racked with guilt if I hurt anyones feelings. As I was tossing and turning in their house in that horrid bed it became very clear to me that this is really not about them. It's about T and Pickle and me and our baby.... OUR family. Yes we want them to be involved but the focus is on us right now not building up a relationship with strangers. I know all this may sound harsh but this is my corner of the world for venting and talking about all things related to this process of making our family. Sometimes it's not sweet or kind, sometimes it's just real.
Today is two days past ovulation. I really think our timing was perfect. We got a positive OPK Saturday around 3pm. We inseminated around 5:30pm Saturday then again at noon on Sunday. I felt ovulation shortly after that Sunday afternoon. Then we threw in one more insem Monday around 5pm, probably too late but we are using fresh versus frozen sperm, so I know our window of opportunity is wider. Yesterday I had a massage scheduled. I adore my massage lady. She has 3 girls, a 3 year old and 9 month old twins that she had at home unmedicated! We talk nearly the whole massage about all things baby and conception related. Usually I love silence while I'm getting a massage but I enjoy her so much I don't mind.
As for symptoms, well I'm trying not to get myself all psyched up with phantom symptoms. I know we only have a 20% chance of conceiving even if our timing was exactly perfect. I will say I woke up with a giant headache this morning and I've been thirsty as hell. I do think I'm fighting a cold so I think I'll just blame those symptoms on that.
We are officially in our first TWW! My calm and cool totally left me on Saturday as we were walking back from the park after Fg left his donation. I was so nervous, and so was T. She is my rock though. She got everything ready, held me when I cried (good tears and scared tears), and then brought me snacks as I was layed up helping the swimmers move on up to miss eggy. Second insem was less scary on Sunday, and today we'll be like old pros. Hopefully I'm a One Shot Sally and we won't have to repeat next month. I know it's necessary for the babe but not my favorite part of this process!
I've been tripping that I could have a little fertilized egg dividing cells and traveling down the fallopian tube right this minute. T and I have been having a lot of fun blaming things on the "blastocyst", ie.. the blastocyst needs mexican food and the blastocyst is mad at you right now. She was been so amazing, I couldn't imagine doing this without her.
Tomorrow we call upon Fg for donation! Holy smokes I'm really excited. I've been feeling really nervous and on edge this whole week but as soon as I got the almost positive with the OPK this afternoon I immediately felt happy and so so excited! I guess it is helpful for my anxiety level when I actually sleep a whole uninterrupted 8 hours. I sleeped hard today, and without sleep aids. That is really a difficult task for me to do during the day. I rearranged the bedroom this weekend so the bed is not under the windows and I can make the room even more cave like. I need to be able to sleep without sleep aids or melatonin while I'm pregnant. I had a hard week, but today was good. So good! It really is amazing what sleep can do for ones mind. As a person who never had problems with sleep prior to working graveyard, I am shocked by how shitty I feel most of the time due to lack of sleep. I think one good thing that has come out of this graveyard working stuff and switching myself back and forth between days and nights sleepwise is I'm now totally conditioned for sleep deprivation. I'm sure that's a helpful skill to put on your resume when having a new baby.
For those playing along at home, today is cycle day 7 of the cycle. Cycle number one in our journey to get a baby. I'm excited and nervous and having all sorts of strange dreams about trying to get pregnant. I have a very active dream life, some strange stuff goes on in my subconscious. Can't wait to see what happens in my subconscious when I have a baby in utero. I have been reading enough TTC blogs in this last year to know that the road can be long and paved with many disappointments. I can't help but hope that we will be one of the lucky ones to get it on the first try but I'm also realistic enough to know this could be a while before we see those 2 pink lines. Speaking of that, I did order some more LH strips and went ahead and threw in some HCG strips too. Hopeful. Optimistic. Realistic.
Tonight Fg is coming over to watch some Law & Order and eat dinner. We signed the contract last week and all is good in that department. No longer mad, I guess he's allowed to make some mistakes too. He was in the doghouse though and he knew it, but he was really apologetic and he normal doesn't screw up so big. We're all human in this and he is going through some of his own crap right now. I care about him very much, this process has been long and a little taxing for me. It has brought T and him closer together and I think it has put a dynamic into our friendship that I'm still trying to get a grip on. Like or not he is even more like a brother now and sometimes he gets on my nerves just like a brother would. I guess that's to be expected after 26 years of friendship. Bottom line, I couldn't imagine anyone else in this role and I care about him very much. Just like family.
