loss

It's funny how life can pull the rug out from under you, whip you around and completely surprise you. Last night I was perusing some online shopping, considering buying the very expensive clear blue fertility monitor. I decided against it even though I found what I thought to be a killer deal. T and I have discussed buying said monitor but I just couldn't bring myself to hit the buy button with out her being in the process. I can sometimes be a stagnant buyer especially if said item is almost 200 dollars! Sometimes, I need her to give me the push, this follows true in many areas of my life but that's for a different story. Anyway, so didn't buy the monitor and woke up this afternoon to T home early from work. This morning her father took his life. I feel so sad for her. Their relationship has been strained and distant for some time due to choices that he has made, and how he lived his life. I have never met the man, but I know he was a good father to her in her formative years. I know she is grieving and trying to wrap her head around this whole sad story and it breaks my heart that I can't be with her right now. We bought an expensive emergency ticket home this afternoon and she will be there all weekend. So sad, that what I thought was going to be a major nesting weekend turns out to be the complete opposite. My love is grieving the loss of her dad thousand of miles away and I'm home alone trying to keep picky from scratching himself up.

weekend

T and I had a lovely weekend. Her mom was visiting from Utah, she flew in specifically for her and T to go see Journey, Heart, and Cheap Trick. I did not go. I wasn't really interested and the tickets were ridiculously expensive. They had an amazing time though. T's mom is a huge Journey fan and is now crushed out on their new lead singer. She's so cute.
Yesterday after dropping T's mom at the airport we visited our friends new baby girl. She is now 4 weeks old and the sweetest cutest little thing ever. She was nursing on and off pretty much the entire time we were there. In between the boob we did manage to get some good cuddles in however. T is so adorable with her, I love seeing her with a baby it makes me all gooey inside. I can't wait until we have one of our own.

bath musings

I've been a regular stalker of lesbian TTC blogs since T and I started seriously laying down plans of when we want to jump on this baby train. Tonight, while taking a bath and letting my mind wander to all the "what ifs" of TTC I decided a good therapeutic place for me to put all my concerns in order and out loud in a sense would be to start my own blog. So, here I am.
Tonight I was feeling very hopeful regarding my plight of getting off anti-depressants. Seeing a naturopath for the first time and her discovering I have a Mg deficiency has totally boosted my confidence in holistic approach to my health and fertility in particular. I guess I have no reason to believe that I will have a hard time conceiving but reading so many women's struggle with TTC and using frozen sperm has made me realize that I need all the help I can get. I can't be lazy about my health, especially when we are talking about shelling out several hundred dollars for those precious little swimming gametes with only a 20% motility thaw rate! I work in a lab and we do fertility studies. If a man was to submit a semen sample to us and we analyzed less than 50% motility, the doctor would consider his fertility impaired. I mean 20% just seems absurd and totally ridiculous that we are supposed to hit the money shot with one, perhaps two tiny little vials. Ah, but alas we will try and we will feel hopeful and confident when we do it damnit! It's reassuring to me that we have a step plan approach to this whole thing. 3 trys on our own, in the comfort of our own bed relying on the clear blue monitor to tell me when I'm ovulating. Then we move on to doctor monitored, and then perhaps IVF. If all else fails and my uterus proves to be a dud, then we always have the robot reproductive system of my wife. I swear she's so damn regular she probably gets a memo when she is ovulating, its crazy! Oh how I love her.